Many parents try to reassure their children after disappointing results by saying “it’s okay” or “don’t worry.” They mean well, hoping to protect their child’s confidence. But while these words may sound gentle, they often feel hollow to the child.
In fact, they can sometimes make things worse.
When a Child Doesn’t Do Well, “It’s Okay” May Not Help
Today, more parents are trying to be understanding. Instead of scolding or criticising harshly, many respond to poor results with phrases like “Never mind, just try harder next time.”
But how do children really feel when they hear that?
During a parent workshop I attended, a simple role-play activity opened many eyes. One parent acted as the child, the other as the parent. When the “parent” said, “It’s okay, just try harder,” the “child” actually felt worse than if they had been scolded. It felt like their feelings were being brushed aside.
This reflects a psychological concept called the “White Bear Effect,” discovered by Harvard psychologist Daniel Wegner. The more you try not to think about something (like a white bear) the more it lingers in your mind. Similarly, when parents repeatedly say “Don’t worry,” it can unintentionally increase a child’s anxiety.
Words of blind encouragement, though kind in intention, can sometimes backfire. Children may start to lose confidence or develop a deeper fear of exams and learning.
Parents Mean Well, But Children Hear Something Else
Parents often say things like:
“Don’t be so nervous.”
“It’s okay if you don’t score well.”
But children may hear something very different:
“My parents no longer believe in me.”
“They don’t understand how much I care about this.”
“They don’t see how hard I’ve been trying.”
It’s not that children are being dramatic. Teenagers, especially those who are trying their best, are often very sensitive to tone and words. When they put in effort and still fail, a casual “It’s okay” may feel like their efforts are being dismissed.
In Singapore’s high-pressure academic environment, every exam can feel like a big deal. Children may not need you to fix things, but they do need to feel seen and understood.
What Smart Parents Say Instead
When children face setbacks, it’s actually a valuable opportunity for parents to guide and support them. Instead of brushing off their feelings or reacting with anger, try saying these three things:
First: “What do you think you did well this time?”
Help your child reflect on their strengths. Even in a poor exam, there’s usually something they did well; maybe a stronger composition, improved understanding of a topic, or fewer careless mistakes.
You can follow up with:
“That part was really good. What helped you do well there?”
This helps them connect effort to outcome. Maybe they revised more, paid attention in class, or did extra practice. Once they understand what worked, they can apply those same methods to subjects they struggle with.
That small shift in mindset from “I’m not good enough” to “I know how to improve” can build real confidence.
Second: “Where do you think things went wrong?”
Guide your child to reflect calmly and objectively. Were they careless? Did they misunderstand certain questions? Did they not prepare well enough?
Instead of pointing fingers, invite your child to think critically.
Then affirm their maturity with something like:
“You’re starting to think like a responsible learner. I’m proud of you for reflecting.”
You’ll no longer be seen as just a parent; you’ll become their coach and supporter.
Third: “Remember to keep a steady mindset.”
Some kids do well when revising at home but struggle in the exam hall due to nerves. This is especially common in Singapore, where school results carry a lot of weight.
Remind your child that it’s normal to feel anxious. What matters is how they handle that pressure.
Say something like:
“Exams are important, but they don’t define you. What matters more is how you grow from this.”
Encourage your child to see mistakes as part of learning. When they view exams as checkpoints rather than judgments, they’ll feel more in control, and less afraid.
“With the right approach, everything becomes easier.”
These simple words carry a deep truth, especially in parenting. When we support our children with patience, speak with encouragement, and guide with care, we help them grow into confident, thoughtful, and resilient individuals. Exams may come and go, and results may rise and fall—but what truly lasts is the emotional connection we build with our children. Years from now, your child may not remember the marks they got in school, but they will remember how you responded when they were struggling, how you listened without judgment, and how you stood by them when they needed you most.
